Investments
An utter lack of Blood: Invest in Earth!
What is it with the universe these days? Sure, there is a few brawls here, a few blood baths there. But where is the action!? No one is killing anyone. No laws are being broken. No virgins violated. You all make me very unhappy deep down! Go out and kill something, you damned hippies! Anyway, this has had some interesting effects in the way the universe works. All the planets seem to be at peace. No wars, no blood feuds, nothing. Of all the planets, Earth has benefited the most from this. With all this peace and happiness, it is no longer being attacked by strange bug men and blobs of bubble gum. Or, dare I say, Monster Carrot. Earth’s economy is booming, and stocks in this planet’s businesses are rising rapidly! Meanwhile the saiyan home planet, Vegeta, is suffering greatly. With no wars, it seems the saiyan economy is doing very poorly. Namek and Icer have both been recently suffering from major thievery, and so are in a bit of a down slide. All in all, if you have any heavy investments in the saiyan planet, I would suggest you sell like a madman! And buy Earth stock! BUY MAN! PUT THIS PAPER DOWN AND GO BUY NOW! Seriously, this may be the only time the planet is ever remotely valuable to anyone ever.

Dick of the Week
This issue I would like to congratulate a very special person. Our very first Dick of the Week! And his (Or it’s) name is Alucard! An android, apparently. And a very well dressed one at that! And how did he get this title, you may ask? After a very brief conversation with an elderly man, the mechanical man backhanded him into a building, and proceeded to challenge the fighters of this village! A random human town! I mean, the total COMBINED power level of this place was like… Ten. Just sad. Even the squishy humans deserve some sort of kindness! Well, maybe. At any rate, after clearing the defenseless town of the universe’s pansy baby race, he proceeded to make a throne of skulls and basked in the glory of bloodshed! What a dick, am I right?

The Changing Changelings
As we all know, several months ago the all mighty King Cold woke up one day and decided “Hey, I’m going to be a total badass.” And so he slaughtered the entire changeling race. Every single one of them. Men, women, children. Even babies. All of them desecrated in the most horrific way imaginable. Awesome eh? The only survivors were his two sons, his wife, and the sparse number that managed to escape his notice. But this article isn’t about how amazing the greatest being in the universe is. We are here to discuss the planet’s well being afterwards. As many know, the planet is almost entirely demon populated. The shadowed remnants of the changeling empire used for the demons like a hollowed out husk.
Few reports have come in detailing the movement of changelings, and so they still exist. And yet, they are a dead people. Living mostly in the shadows of the demons who now control the world. The once noble people of that now dead empire have been reduced to wandering vagabonds and dirty street scum. The fine architecture of their lavish mansions has been replaced by run down shacks that barely manage to stay standing against the devastating winds of the frozen planet.
So remember, if you want to go against the mighty King Cold, he and his sons are highly capable of doing the same to YOU.

Blatant Lies, or Amusing Truths?
The human-raised saiyan Kamina has been reported to begin training with the great Master Roshi! Now we all know that Master Roshi is a fine, respectable man who is a master of all forms of martial arts. WRONG! Well, true. But we have it on good authority that he is a sleazy, ugly, old man and an incredibly massive pervert. Dealing with turtles and reading dirty magazines all day long. How Kamina managed to get Roshi to teach him is not entirely known, but considering the circumstances it can be deduced that Kamina’s drill pierces more than just the heavens, if you know what I mean.

Our reports have also told us that recently, all coins and change in a town on Icer has gone missing! During a strange occurrence, all men and women rushed to defend the main treasury. But upon return, it was discovered that all the pennies and nickels were gone! What could have caused this? I bet I can guess. It was none other than…. Kensei! Yes, Kensei. A strange man who does strange things that are strange. What was his alibi? He was on a different planet at the time. HA! A likely story! We all know your dirty secret, and we are ashamed.

Sadly, that is all the rumors we have managed to find. We will keep you updated on all new occurrences, each week. Keep reading!

((ANyone have rumors to share or complaints, they can bring them to me in the site's chatbox msn thingie that Neji made. And I may type a retraction or add new rumors in next week!))

Added (02.28.2010, 6:23 Am)
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The Dirt Secret: Volume Two

Investments
This week, much has changed in the universe. Earth remains peaceful, which is unusual for it. So it is still a safe investment. The businesses and corporations continue as always. Capsule Corp in particular seems to be doing very well. So if you have stock in that company, I’d stay put. Just keep letting those numbers rise!
Icer, on the other hand is changing dramatically. Due to recent events, stock in this planet has plummeted as a whole. Losing an entire ten percent of it’s landmass to an unknown power was nearly devastating! Luckily, it looks like the overall towns and businesses are unaffected. Well… As much business as there is on this Snowball. Icer businesses took a hit, but I predict the stock prices to gradually rise again.

Dick of the Week
This week’s dick of the week is none other than Hachi! A very powerful warrior who resides in a massive fortress of solid ice! Impressive. What wasn’t so impressive is how he challenged his little brother to a wrestling match, and nearly killed him! Sure, the kid is a saiyan. But damn man, have some mercy! During the fight, Hachi broke the boy’s hip, stabbed him repeatedly, and broke the young saiyan’s spine in six places! You know, older brothers have been beating up their little brothers for thousands of years, but this one really takes the cake! And so, Hachi. If you are reading this, congratulations, you dick.

Namekian Showdown!
That’s right! There was a tremendous battle on Namek a few days ago. Surprising, right? Well not so much when you learn what happened. Turns our an evil, white haired, red eyed saiyan named Velen attacked a namekian village. And for no good reason! After a bloody massacre, a particularly angry namekian called Ander stepped forth and challenged the creepy saiyan to a battle for the fate of the village. The two collided in the most epic struggle seen on Namek since Guru challenged Prounga to a dance off! Many buildings were destroyed. Blows landed. Until finally Ander managed to give Velen the ol’ reach around! That’s right, he grabbed his monkey tail and didn’t let go. Effectively ending the confrontation.

Viva La Ressurrección
A new group has emerged on Icer! La Ressurrección. A pansy name, if you ask me. But they have already captured an area of Icer and set up a base of operations. From what information we can gather, the group is lead by a man named Hachi. His second in command, his “Brother” is a saiyan. And both seem poised to take over the world! Good thing I decided not to but that summer vacation home on Icer. But then, who WOULD buy a summer vacation home on Icer?

Blatant Lies, or Amusing Truths?
Hachi, Lord of the Giant Frozen Fortress. Many know him as a mysterious man, but WE know the truth! Some say he’s a demon. Some say he’s a powerful human with ice powers! But they are all wrong, for he is secretly… He’s a Truffle! That’s right! Those flimsy guys who the saiyans killed to control Vegeta. The fact he is tall and well built? Nothing but an android exo suit, controlled by an elderly truffle inside. Amazing, isn’t it?

You know the saiyan Ryder? Can’t miss him, he’s the only full blooded saiyan on Icer. Well, turns out he has a tremendous fetish for pain. He likes whips, chains, and otherwise uncomfortable toys. Quite a strange one, but then he IS living with a truffle.

Also on Icer, a strange ship crash landed. And out came… Goop? Well, this goop them proceeded to bite a changeling’s face off. So, whatever this thing is. It can be assumed it is, in fact, something Frieza ordered in the mail. Probably from sort of Intergalactic Sadist Magazine or something.

Added (03.08.2010, 10:10 Am)
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The Dirty Secret: Volume Three

Investments
The economy of Earth took dive a recently, as a large gold shipment was stolen. At the same time, crime continues to run rampant on Icer, leading the frozen planet into an economic depression. Boy, I feel bad for whatever poor soul invested into this place. Yardrat and Konat seem to be doing well. With no crime, and very little action, their societies have been steadily growing. Perhaps someone should pay them a visit?

Dick of the Week
SNOW! That’s right, Snow. No, not the condensation. The changeling female on Earth. Congratulations, you are the new dick of the week! This woman was chilling out, nude as always. Now, nudity is all well and good. But its kind of a dick move to do it in public. Especially on the job! And she proceeded to rob a train, and then knock her partner unconscious. First by getting his trust with a few kind words, and then BAM! Right in the kisser! He never even saw it coming. And then she goes off and convinces some green haired mechaman to help her gather the legendary dragon balls, without any intention of paying him for his efforts! Slave labor is illegal on Earth, Snow! You are about to get everything you could ever wish for. You’d think you could at least pay the man.

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of…. Dragon?
It’s a regular ball hunt on Earth. As the changeling Snow (Yes, our dick of the week), and the android known as Artificial Research and Exploration Unit Nine Nine Nine Six (Shorten the name man!) have collected all seven Earth Dragon balls. And on top of that, the saiyan known as Velen has begun collecting the Namekian dragon balls. The people of the galaxy are in a regular ball gathering frenzy! it’s a madhouse I say! A MADHOUSE!

The Gross and the Ugly
On Icer a battle rages! Between… A really ugly fat man and… Goop? Red goop, to be precise. As the battle goes, both sides appear strong, but the goop is clearly dominating the battle. If not for the interception of a girly man, now known to be named Zarbon, the goop would have almost certainly decimated the fat, pink man. Currently the battle rages, and the red goop has already begun healing from the damage of Zarbon’s attack. Who will be victorious? Who will come out on top? No one knows! But what is known, is that no one in this battle will be getting a date any time soon.

Blatant Lies, or Amusing Truths?
The android Alucard and the undead thing known as Kensei are locked in an intense… Stare? Seriously, these two have not moved all week. Just looking at one another longingly… Do they secretly like each other? No. However, they almost certainly have a secret love affair!